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ANXIOUS have to question now that maybe there’re changes in even that. Maybe we don’t have ideas all the time. Now was a time to go over and enjoy the change or whatever the things we’ve done in the past were (past-ure?). The re-grouping, the center of the fractal. ANXIOUS’m hard on myself. Myself as a hard on. ANXIOUS still want to play. But play what? ANXIOUS don’t see anything currently available, none of the tools at hand, jumping to my attention, nothing’s grabbing me, so then ANXIOUS wonder if ANXIOUS don’t just want new tools, different tools. It’s possible that ANXIOUS don’t even understand what a tool is anymore. This is reiterating what ANXIOUS’ve already thought. ANXIOUS don’t intend on sharing this with anyone…ANXIOUS don’t feel revelatory…ANXIOUS don’t feel any great understanding coming my way. ANXIOUS really don’t sense any drastic change whatever. That might be part of the problem. A stagnation. ANXIOUS don’t’ know. ANXIOUS want something to accomplish, a goal. A less money-oriented goal? ANXIOUS can think
of any number of goals right now, things that, in the end, might very well
appear as perfect justifications for the bullshit ANXIOUS’d have to go
through to get there, but those are the only types of goals ANXIOUS can
fathom right now; ones that have almost entirely to do with money.
ANXIOUS fucking hate it. Besides, if ANXIOUS really wanted any of
those ‘goals’ that can only be directly attained through more money bad
enough, well, then, it seems to me that ANXIOUS’d have no
problem working MORE for them. ANXIOUS wonder how many times ANXIOUS
have to say ‘ANXIOUS don’t know’ before ANXIOUS either stop, or
understand it’s obsolescence, or at least find some decent adjectives.
Just the ongoing struggle to improve myself. ANXIOUS want to
feel like dancing and loving and making music and seeing, sensing, talking
again. ANXIOUS just don’t feel it strongly enough now to enact any
of these wonders. No more great expectations for a while. Now
it seems just an indefinite chain of uncanny happenings, little links of
experience from day to day, moment to moment, a collection of everyday
memories, some possibly even memorable.
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